Random Crap Blowing Up (The Marine)

Director- John Bonito
Starring- John Cena, Robert Patrick, Kelly Carlson
MPAA Rating- PG-13 for explosions of many kinds, swearing, and "sensuality" whatever that means.

I knew I was going to see a bad movie. I knew it was going to be a horrible movie. I knew I couldn’t be disappointed with my low standards. I was right. The Marine is quite possibly the worst action flick of the past few years.

After being discharged by the Marines, John Triton heads back home to be with his wife. Realizing working as a security guard isn’t as fulfilling as being a marine, Triton and his wife decide to take a vacation in the South Carolinian mountains. While getting gas, diamond thieves hijack his vehicle and kidnap his wife. After blowing up the gas station and leaving him for dead, John Triton uses his training to rescue his wife in the wilderness. This is actually a more elaborate version of the story. Simplified, John Triton survives explosions, bullets, more explosions, and incompetent villains.

From chase scenes to bumbling villains, this has the makings of any classic 80’s action flick. Instead of the nostalgic feeling they were trying to go for, the audience gets bored when they realize how predictable it is. You could replace John Cena with Steven Seagal and it would be perfect for the Wal-Mart bargain bin.

Despite being so uninspired and typical, The Marine somehow is able to have a much below average script. Besides variations of the phrase ‘They have my wife’, you also get bits of back story. That is if you consider mentions of a henchman’s childhood molestation back story. No, I’m not sure why it’s mentioned in the movie either. Throughout there are little things like this that are added but have no impact on the story whatsoever. Mix in a couple of ‘It’s because I’m black’ jokes and you have 90% of the script.

This is where I would try to bring up positive points. I would say something like ‘the action is non-stop’ or ‘it has it’s moments’ but that would be a huge lie. Unless you like seeing a pointless explosion every ten minutes, The Marine will get tiresome real quick.

Overall Rating- Do not see it