Random Crap Blowing Up (The Marine)

Director- John Bonito
Starring- John Cena, Robert Patrick, Kelly Carlson
MPAA Rating- PG-13 for explosions of many kinds, swearing, and "sensuality" whatever that means.

I knew I was going to see a bad movie. I knew it was going to be a horrible movie. I knew I couldn’t be disappointed with my low standards. I was right. The Marine is quite possibly the worst action flick of the past few years.

After being discharged by the Marines, John Triton heads back home to be with his wife. Realizing working as a security guard isn’t as fulfilling as being a marine, Triton and his wife decide to take a vacation in the South Carolinian mountains. While getting gas, diamond thieves hijack his vehicle and kidnap his wife. After blowing up the gas station and leaving him for dead, John Triton uses his training to rescue his wife in the wilderness. This is actually a more elaborate version of the story. Simplified, John Triton survives explosions, bullets, more explosions, and incompetent villains.

From chase scenes to bumbling villains, this has the makings of any classic 80’s action flick. Instead of the nostalgic feeling they were trying to go for, the audience gets bored when they realize how predictable it is. You could replace John Cena with Steven Seagal and it would be perfect for the Wal-Mart bargain bin.

Despite being so uninspired and typical, The Marine somehow is able to have a much below average script. Besides variations of the phrase ‘They have my wife’, you also get bits of back story. That is if you consider mentions of a henchman’s childhood molestation back story. No, I’m not sure why it’s mentioned in the movie either. Throughout there are little things like this that are added but have no impact on the story whatsoever. Mix in a couple of ‘It’s because I’m black’ jokes and you have 90% of the script.

This is where I would try to bring up positive points. I would say something like ‘the action is non-stop’ or ‘it has it’s moments’ but that would be a huge lie. Unless you like seeing a pointless explosion every ten minutes, The Marine will get tiresome real quick.

Overall Rating- Do not see it

Zombies Without Nick Cannon (Diary of the Dead)

Director- George A. Romero
Starring- Probably nobody you've ever heard of
MPAA Rating- R for swearing, zombie wackiness, and a brief breast shot.

Unlike Day , Diary of the Dead is a continuation of George Romero's "of the Dead" series. In what is almost a rebooting of the series, we follow student film makers working on their own horror film. As they work on "The Death of Death", the zombie outbreak begins and all hell breaks loose. From a first person perspective, we follow them as they document the world crumbling around them.

Although typical storyline wise, the film is unique in the way it's filmed. With a Cloverfield-esque look, you are more engrossed in what the characters are going through. We get more of a feel of the terror our heroes are going through. Another thing I enjoyed was the near complete lack of "cat scares". Unlike One Missed Call (which I'll get into at another time) you aren't given constant cheap jump scares which is definitely a plus. Although minor, it helps greatly when real scares are used. Keeping in tradition with Romero's other work, we get all kinds of unique deaths or zombies and humans alike.

Unfortunately, the movie isn't perfect. Despite it helping with the realism, these kids aren't the best actors. God bless'em but it's true. My other big problem with the film is the pacing. There's some good zombie action, I'm looking at you mute Amish guy, but it does drag on at parts. Not as much as past Romero flicks but it happens. Last, and this isn't the film's fault, but the marketing of Diary was terrible. I can damn near guarantee you never saw a commercial for it. Why make a movie if nobody will ever see it?

Despite these flaws, overall I think you should see it. Given it'd be hard as hell but when you get the chance on DVD, it's definitely worth catching.

OVERALL RATING- Must See

Zombies and Nick Cannon (Day of the Dead 2008)

Director- Steven Miner
Starring- Mena Suvari, Nick Cannon, Ving Rhames
MPAA Rating- R for swearing and zombie wackiness

First up is the 2008 remake of Day Of The Dead. Although I gotta say calling it a remake is a bit of a stretch. There are zombies and character names. Besides that, nothing. The gist of the film is after a small Colorado town is mysteriously quarantined. The army blocks all exits despite that a flu-like disease is infesting the town. All the sick head to the hospital and *GASP* THEY'RE TURNING INTO ZOMBIES! From there we follow Army Captain Mena Suvari (!) and her group of survivors as they try to escape.

I'll start with the positives. By no means does the film look bad. It's well shot and as far as effects go, they're fine. Not only that but if you go in expecting nothing, you'll be pleasantly surprised. Of course I found it more comical then terrifying but hey, at least that's something. With that out of the way, I can go onto the fun part, the negatives. First and foremost, the acting is terrible. Is this the worst I've seen? No. But that doesn't change the fact that it's so damn atrocious. Especially from "Mr. Wild N Out" Nick Cannon. Imagine every black stereotype you can think of. Put them all together and dress them like GI Joe. That's Nick Cannon in Day of the Dead. Another big problem is how terribly cliche the movie is. Every typical zombie convention is here. "Oh my god a loved one is a zombie", "I gotta kill a zombified loved one", the works. What bothered me the most though was the zombies themselves. Keep in mind I'm not one of those horror fans that things zombies should just shamble around. Zombies running, totally cool with that. However, I do draw the line when zombies CLIMB THE CEILING LIKE A SPIDER. Not only that but it happens a few times in the movies. Seemingly for no real reason. It's a stupid little thing but that bugged the hell out of me.

In the end, I can't recommend Day of the Dead. Despite the unintentional laughs, for every laugh there's at least 10 instances that had me ask myself "Why the hell am I watching this?"

OVERALL RATING- No Buys

Generic Introduction

Why hello there. If you're reading this, then you probably had Steven beg you to look at this blog. Basically it's where I'm gonna try to keep all my film reviews archived. Despite never being done regularly, I'll try my best to keep up with films in theatres as well as on video. I'm not paid nor do I have a degree in film. I'm just trying to bring a review from the point of the average person. Lord knows we have enough critics out there thinking every film should be the next Casablanca.

Usually my reviews will have a funny/stupid title with the name of the film next to it. I'll display the poster and some various facts about the film. Then my review and overall score. My overall score will be one out of three. Must See, Catch on TV, or No Buys. I think these are all self-explanatory.

Easy, right? Good. So please leave comments and whatnot and hope you enjoy.